Monday, May 24, 2010

perfectly imperfect

i’m back again! wahoooo! i have been doing so well, but it really honestly has nothing to do with myself and so much to do with God teaching me amazing lessons about His role in my life. for the first time ever in my dozen years of church going experience God pushed me last night. it was the weirdest experience, but the most effective God has ever been at speaking (ok, it was more like YELLING) into my heart.
i have struggled for as long as i can remember with perfectionism. this was something that was so loved by teachers and group mates in high school because i would put all i could into my work just to ensure it was perfect. but it wasn’t just at school. then i moved to college and i was tested beyond my wildest imagination and i realized that i couldn’t be perfect in school anymore, but i could be perfect outside school, so i became a neat freak and cleaned, organized, and labeled like it was going out of style (which it still hasn’t!). then i needed to move off campus and into an apartment and i found myself relocating my “home away from home” 3 times in four short months. i realized that being perfectly organized was a very difficult task with so much movement, so i transferred it to relationships. i longed to be the perfect daughter, friend, sister, girlfriend, classmate, employee, teammate, and the list goes on.
well, lately i have taken on almost all of those longings for perfection at once. but i have also retroactively applied this desire to a point where every action, word, thought, motive i can remember comes under scrutiny. if you hadn’t got the memo let me share, i’m not perfect. yep, i know, hard to believe. it’s tough for me too.
but that’s not it. of course, that’s not it. so yesterday i was driving to meet a partner for a project together and realized that i was putting too much pressure on myself to be mistake free, or perfect. i had a moment of realization that God is perfect and in His perfection i am allowed to be imperfect. not only am i allowed, i am imperfect.
so last night jason and i head into another service at our beloved church and i am ready to enjoy a night of worship and encouragement. but God had another plan for me. He spoke through paster matt and He screamed into my heart. He let me know that i am imperfect, broken, flawed, but He is perfect, proficient, restorative. my list of wrongs that i spent years beating myself up over was only bothering me. yep, you read that right, i, the wrongdoer, was the only one stewing, hurting, hating my wrong. the God who has every reason to condemn me for my lies, deceit, jealousy, gossip, hate, anger won’t. why?
because our sin, our mistakes, our shortcomings are really between us and Christ. like John describes in John 8, when the adulterous woman is brought before Jesus to be stoned,
"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." – John 8:7
Christ is the only one without sin. He is also the only one with the ability to forgive what would easily be condemned by pain, by torture, by death. so, i need to forgive myself simply because Christ forgave me and He is the only one that can hold me accountable for my lengthy list of transgressions. what do you need to forgive yourself for? do you realize that Christ has forgiven you and wants for you to do the same for yourself?
not only did God show me that i needed to let all of these wrongs go. He showed me that by keeping a list, by keeping a record of wrongs, i am limiting my own ability to love myself. just like God says in 1 corinthians 13:4-8:
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
no i don’t struggle with my weight or my athletic abilities (or inabilities) or my intelligence. i struggle loving my imperfections, my flaws, my mistakes. i have a great disdain for doing things the wrong way. well, news flash to me, i am imperfect. inherent in imperfection is doing things the wrong way, slipping up, getting a scuff when i fall down. but those imperfections need to make me who i am, not make me hate who i am. it’s time to let go and love.
song of the day:
everything glorious
by: the david crowder band
“you make everything glorious
and I am yours,
what does that make me?”
they capture every little lesson i’m trying to put out there in this song. and it sounds so much prettier than my big blob of text! J God bless everyone. i’m praying for you all. keep it up, He’s teaching us all something so cool.
and, lastly, email me about you if you’re reading. teach me what He’s teaching you.


chris said... Best Blogger Tips

His love for you is patient, His love for you is kind, He does not boast, He is not proud, He is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered and He keeps no record of your wrongs. His love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, He always trustsm He always hopes, He alwyas preserves...will you follow Him and His example? Why yes! Love my little imperfect chick!